40 days

Two months ago I would have said that 40 days is not a long time at all. I would have said that its just a little over a month, just 4 or 5 weekends, or just 5 Mondays and 5 Tuesdays and 5 Wednesdays and so on. However, coming back home from spending this seemingly little amount of time in South Africa was still a bit strange to me. The day I arrived in Johnson City, TN it was weird for me to think that just hours before I had been in another hemisphere and continent, 6 hours ahead of where I am now, driving on the "wrong" side of the street, using the Rand as currency, wearing a jacket and hanging out with 19 other people in a bus. The experience of coming back felt surreal; when I was stepping out of the gate to hug my mom, I remembered the day I left for South Africa as if it were only two or three days ago, yet so much had happened since then.

It wasn't until days later, when I started catching up with friends, telling stories and showing pictures to my family, that I realized just how much I had lived in those 40 days, how much fun I had had, how much I had seen, how much I had learned and how many great people I met both in my group and in South Africa. I left that country with a heavy heart. 40 days was enough time to make me want to come back and see more of its beautiful landscapes, experience more of its culture, and meet more of its wonderful people. I miss the spontaneous afternoon hikes, the cool weather, the markets, the cider, the chocolate. But, more than that I miss the people; I wonder how Fidelio, Austin, Masud and Aziz (the boys Carrie and I had as "students" on the Holiday Project) are doing. I wonder if they remember the multiplication tables, the difference between an active and a passive verb, or even our names. I often reflect on my relationship with them; did I have an impact in their lives? Did I teach them anything of substance during those 2 weeks? It is frustrating to know nothing about them now, and to be uncertain of whether or not we made any difference.

Out of any issue I would say that as a group we struggled the most in dealing with this uncertainty: are we making a difference? Working at Manenberg for such a short period of time didn't allow us to see the large-scale changes most of us were imagining our service projects would bring. There was really no way for us to exactly measure how much we helped our learners, and in this way I sometimes did feel powerless. However, I now look at the 560ish pictues I took of these kids, some candid while they were at the board solving math operations, or when everyone was out playing Red Rover Red Rover, and others posed with smiling eyes, and I realized that we had to have had some impact in their lives. Maybe I am being naïve; I hope they’ll remember and learn more than just the different parts of speech or the multiplication tables, but the importance and power of knowledge and the self-recognition of their true capability. I do feel fortunate to have had the chance of (possibly) impacting someone’s life in this way.

It's too soon for me to exactly express how this 40-day experience changed me, but it certainly taught me something about myself. I find myself constantly reflecting on the trip, and reliving memories, planning on ways to come back to South Africa. I miss everyone that experienced South Africa with me. Goodbyes aren't my strongest weapon, so I think I'll be going back.